Con Warp
by tarajcl
Summary: Set in Armada. It's a songfic. It's got Decepticons. Doing the Time Warp.


This was thought up late at night by a deranged insomniac on too much sugar. Pure, undiluted silliness, wheee! Transformers are the property of Hasbro, and Rocky Horror Picture Show belongs to whoever wrote it. There is no possible excuse for this. I don't even like this musical, which is weird, because I like most musicals. I apologize humbly to everyone who thought up this idea before me. Can anyone resist the lure of giant, singing robots? I think not. All I can say is I'm truly sorry. The idea would not leave me alone. None of this makes any sense whatsoever, so abandon logic before reading on. This would probably fit somewhere between Past 2 and Sacrifice, but it still makes no sense.

Magenta and Columbia are two of the female singers in Rocky Horror. Laugh, if you dare.

Con Warp

(The setting: the Decepticon moon base, in the main control room. All is silent. All is calm. Too calm.)

Wheeljack's voice: _Is this thing on?_

(A burst of static and a yelp of pain is heard. We can deduce that it is.)

Cyclonus's voice: _Okay, okay, I'm ready now. One…two…three…_

(Music starts playing. If you've seen 'Rocky Horror Picture Show', you know the music. If you haven't, it is impossible to imagine. Think guitars.)

(Cyclonus stands in a pool of spotlight as some unseen person manipulates the lighting. He is smiling evilly and holding a microphone. No, there is no such thing as a transformer-sized microphone. Work with me.)

Cyclonus: (in a really, really creepy voice) It's astounding.

                Time is fleeting.

                Madness takes its toll.

(From off stage, a voice is heard to mutter, "You should know". Ignoring this, Cyc continues.)

Cyclonus: But listen closely…

(Another spotlight comes on, revealing Wheeljack standing to his right. He too, is holding an impossibly large microphone and smiling like a fiend.)

Wheeljack: Not for very much longer…

Cyclonus: I've got to keep control!

(Offstage, someone snorts with laughter at the unlikelihood of this. The music gets a lot louder and crazier, and the entire room is lit up in multicoloured lights that flash like a disco ball. Whoever is handling the special effects is good at their job. Cyclonus jumps forward and starts dancing around like a maniac, doing some twisted combination of ballet and break-dancing. The most disturbing part is, he's good at it.)

Cyclonus: (throwing his head back and roaring out the lyrics) I remember!

             Doing the time warp!

             Drinking those moments when

             The blackness would hit me!

Wheeljack and Cyclonus: And the void would be calling!

                                       Let's do the time warp again!

(Cyclonus does the Macarena. Wheeljack stops singing to look at him, deeply disturbed.)

Cyclonus: Let's do the time warp again!

(Demolisher leaps on stage from the left, wearing a pair of transformer-sized sunglasses. No, they don't exist either. He whips out a microphone, spins around three times very fast, drops to one knee and freezes, one finger pointing at Cyclonus. The other two goggle at this display of grace and coordination.)

Demolisher: (with a polished English accent) It's just a jump to the left.

(A moment of stunned silence. Then the music comes back on and the light starts flashing again. All three leap up and start shaking it.)

All: And then a step to the right!

Demolisher: With your hands on your hips.

(Wheeljack puts his hands on his audio receptors, Cyclonus looks down to see what part of him qualifies as his hips.)

All: And bring your knees in tight.

(This they manage with only some difficulty.)

All: But it's the pelvic thrust

      That really drives you insane!

(Offstage, demented laughter is heard. Cyclonus casually aims a shot to the left, and Crumplezone gives a yelp. Wheeljack is the only one who attempts the pelvic thrust, and falls flat on his back.)

All: Let's do the time warp again!

      Let's do the time warp again!

(Wheeljack comes forward, singing in a bad attempt at Magenta's voice. He ends up sounding more like Arnold Swartzeneggar talking in his sleep.)

Wheeljack: It's so dreamy.

                 Oh, fantasy, free me.

                So you can't see me…

(To his left, Demolisher is heard to mutter, "If only.")

Wheeljack: (glaring at Demolisher) No, not at all.

(Demolisher steps forward and sings, thankfully in his own voice.)

Demolisher: (glaring back at Wheeljack) In another dimension,

                  With sadistic intention…

(Wheeljack cackles, as do the Minicons offstage, whilst Cyclonus furiously hisses, "That's not the word! That's not the word!")

Demolisher: (looking confused) Well secluded, I see all.

(Cyclonus slaps his hand over his optics, growling under his breath. Wheeljack takes over.)

Wheeljack: With a bit of a mind flip.

(He does a back flip. Well, he tries to. What he actually does is jerked spasmodically backwards, slip over his own feet and end up on the ground again. Cyclonus smoothly comes in, trying not to laugh.)

Cyclonus: You're into the time _slip_.

Demolisher: (still with the sunglasses on) And nothing will ever be the same.

Cyclonus: You're spaced out on sensation.

Demolisher: AND YOU'RE AT THE SPACE STATIOOON!

(Cyclonus groans "That's not the line, you idiot…", as Wheeljack sniggers in the background.)

(Suddenly the lights flash even brighter, and the Decepticon Minicons leap on from all sides. All start dancing, doing a far better job of it than the Decepticons. Swindle in particular is wearing a pink feather boa and proceeds to tango across the stage with Sonar. The Decepticons stare, blinking.)

All Minicons: Let's do the time warp again!

                     Let's do the time warp again!

(Starscream struts onto the stage, smirking. His wings sparkle strangely. A later examination will reveal that he has coated them with glitter. This is not the worst part. The worst part is the black feather boa he has wrapped around his neck. He starts singing in a reasonably good imitation of Columbia's voice.)

Starscream: Well, I was walking down the street

                  Just a-having a think

(Demolisher chuckles at the idea of Starscream thinking.)

Starscream: (shooting a glare at him) When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink,

                  He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise,

                  He had a pick-up truck and the devil's eyes,

(Demolisher freezes in horror, mouthing the word, "Prime?!". Starscream doesn't notice, and swoops to the centre stage, soaking up the spotlight.)

Starscream: He stared at me at I felt a change,

                  Time meant nothing after what I'd gained.

All: Let's do the time warp again!

     Let's do the time warp again!

(To the horror of all, just as Demolisher is about to say his lines, he yells and jumps up, clutching his foot. Swindle is seen looking innocent and hiding a gun behind his back.)

Swindle: (his face breaking into an evil grin) It's just a jump to the left.

(In the background, Demolisher is seen jumping up and down, cursing as he holds his injured leg.)

Cyclonus and Starscream: And then a step to the riiiight!

Swindle: With your hands on your hips.

(As they do this, however, Starscream's hand connects with the electric buzzer Crumplezone planted on his side only minutes ago. With a yelp, his hand jerks away sharply. Unfortunately, it catches Cyclonus directly between the legs. As Starscream grasps his wounded hand and groans, Cyclonus collapses to the ground, his knees pressed tightly together. His optics are wide and his face is frozen with agony.)

All Minicons: You bring your knees in tiiiight!

                    But it's the pelvic thrust…

(Thrust enters the room, wondering who mentioned him. He stops at the sight of Cyclonus on the ground whimpering, Strascream still nursing his hand and Demolisher trying to kill Swindle, who has taken refuge on the ceiling of the base, clinging to a loose power line for dear life as the enraged 'Con tries to reach him. The other Minicons are still dancing around in some depraved version of the Macarena. Wheeljack looks confused, before shrugging and doing the same.)

Wheeljack and Minicons: That really drives you insaaaaaaane!

(Determined not to lose the spotlight, Cyclonus leaps to his feet and jumps to the centre stage.)

Cyclonus, Wheeljack and Minicons: Let's do the time warp again!

(Determined not to be outdone, Starscream performs an acrobatic cartwheel across the floor, until he stands on Wheeljack's left.)

Starscream, Cyclonus, Wheeljack and the Minicons: Let's do the time warp again!

(With a roar of anger, Demolisher takes a running jump at Swindle, who clings desperately to the ceiling.)

Starscream, Cyclonus, Wheeljack and the Minicons: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP…

(He charges, trips on Starscream's boa and crashes into the other three, who go down in a heap of curses and screeching. Most of the Minicons go with them. There is a moment of utter pandemonium, before Swindle gives a long, shrill scream and falls from the ceiling. He bounces off the back of Cyclonus's head and lands dazed in the middle of the floor.)

(Everybody freezes for one second. Wheeljack and Cyclonus look at each other and shrug. Both mechs leap to their feet, flinging out their arms and burst into song. The others do the same.)

All: …AGAIN!!!!!

(One more time, just for the heck of it.)

All: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAAIIIIIN!

(All warp out.)

(Thrust is left staring at a darkened room in silence.)

(In another room, the lighting and special effects manager sniggers to himself. He stands up and leaves the room quietly. After walking a few steps down the passageway, he sees Thrust running up to him, obviously very distressed. The lighting manager forces himself not to laugh.)

Megatron: What is it, Thrust?  
-------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Autobots are taking a day off, and are sitting with the kids by the side of a lake. Fred has a picnic basket. Hot Shot plays tag with Billy and Rad, whilst Optimus smiles at their antics. Blurr clearly does not want to be here. His arms are crossed, and he mutters things like "pointless waste of time" and "why do I bother". Smokescreen is fishing and Sideswipe just made the mistake of trying to give Scavenger a hug. There is a splash as he is thrown into the lake.)

(Suddenly the day's frolics are interrupted by a cloud of evil. As the children gasp in horror and the Autobots growl in anger, about forty metres away, the Decepticons warp in. All are still holding their poses.)

(There is silence. The Autobots stare. Hot Shot in particular stares at Demolisher, his optics widening as he sees that the tank is wearing sunglasses. Smokescreen stares at Starscream, thinking, "Is…is that…glitter? And what's that thing around his neck?")

(All the Cons and their Minicons notice the Autobots staring at once, and blink.)

Demolisher: Um…

Wheeljack: (quietly) Cyclonus…

Starscream: (even quieter) What do we do?

(Cyclonus stars open-mouthed at the Autobots, who stare back at him, dumb-struck. He smiles a big smile at them.)

Cyclonus: (to the Autobots) Hey there, Auto-clods! Nice day, eh?

Cyclonus: (to the other Decepticons, still smiling) Run.

(As one, they turn and flee as fast as they can, as the Autobots continue to stare.)


End file.
